I barely use xanga cause no one reads it anyms more, but then again maybe it's a good thing they don't read it because then they would have to read what us emo kids write when we're feeling sad and what not.  For the past couple of weeks I have just been feeling so inadequate about myself.  Thinking about everything that I am studying now and learning about and thinking that its all going to add up to one year where I have to prove everything.  Its just so much pressure and everything just got 10 times harder.  I am already an average student as it is going to an average school.  It should not be THAT hard.  Why I wonder does it take me longer to do things than other people.  I have always envied those people that never seemed to study and got A's and papers were effortless for them.  Everything I do I have to squeeze out every last drop of effort I have and then I feel like there is no more left.

On the flipside I did encounter some pretty bizarro conversations and things that happened that seemed to speak to me in some way.  So the other day a classmate of mine offered to drive me into philly 20 min from where I live because our art therapy class needs to do research at drexels library.  Any way so me and this chick are driving and the first thing she says is that she thinks we could be really good friends.  I have only had like 2 people ever say this to me and I always think its a little  bit weired. She starts disclosing info to me and it starts to get really uncomfortable and everytime she said something really shocking she would say ," was that too much too soon? I don't really know how to make friends." I have never talked to her before and the stuff she was telling me was very out there and sad and depressing.  I kind of felt like saying if you need someone to talk to there are counselors on campus. 

So I think that this is pretty relevant to whats going on now inside.  There is so much doubt and fear.  I can't imagine ever going through what this chick went through.  We stopped by her apartment so she could lend me some art therapy books and her bf was there.  She seems like such a weired chick that is very antisocial but as soon as she saw her bf she just lit up.  It was like he is her source of contentment and thats it.  She seemed very human to me at that moment. The way she looks kind of scares me from the beginning. She is very pale, and barely smiles and she wears a lot of black and mutters things under her breath.  It made me think about this person and how the hell does she wake up everyday and want to improve and want to continue?  All the shit that she's been through and shes still trudging.  I have no idea what my encounter with her means but I see her everyday in class.  For some reason that day has stood still in my mind.  I have no idea if it's just a little funny story to think about and contemplate over or if it is something serious related to witnessing and helping others.  Lets not get to ahead of ourselves here but she was one of those people that are screaming for somekind of meaning of truth. 

Talking about this chick as kind of made me forget about my problems, what were they anyway?  I can't stand some modern art, they just force it on you.  I feel so annoyed with all these artsy farsty people, its like get a life already weknow your unique we get it, you don't have to rub it in our faces.  I feel like punching some of these art critics in the face for the crap that they write.  Hmm I a feel better.  We have been having some roomate issues and hopefully we will all love eachother sooner or later. 

I don't really care if anyone reads this I just felt like writing.

Peace, Misook

I had a good weekend. I really love being an ambassador for my school. It's like the perfect job for me. I am seeing how the tough times in the beginning helped me realize what I was really looking for in the end. So officially I am an art history major minoring in art history.  I am soooo freakin happy about that because I started out as an art history major and then I changed to fine arts.  I still didn't feel right about it. Changed to art therapy and I absolutely love it. I have never been a believer that I have to get a career that guarentees a fortune.  A rich man can become so unhappy one night and gamble all his money away and then in the morning he becomes a poor man.

I'm also starting to get the whole socializing thing down here at school.  When I first got to this school I was just focusing on my reactions to things.  Like it's Arcadia, there are some gay people here and there and I judged at first.  This place seems like a glorified high school with cliques including rejects and the popular kids. I really love my school.  For the first time in a long time I am enjoying life and taking chances. 

During the countdown event, it's like an event for incoming students, we're always supposed to mingle with guests.  I just picked out a random family to talk to and asked the girl what she's interested in studying here and she told me art therapy and I was just like omg I'm an art therapy major. At the end of the event I wanted to tell her I hope you choose Arcadia!  This whole countdown thing got me thinking.  It doesn't really matter where you go to school because wherever you go you create your own experience.  The way you respond to situations is what makes your experience.  Fear gets you no where and maybe for a while I have been responding negatively to everything that I was afraid of.  I guess this time I just applied for the job and didn't think.  Didn't think about being shy, didn't think about fitting in, didn't think about stupid things. It was great! Next we have our Open house event and I can't wait.

Matt came to visit me this weekend also and my friends love him, they gave me their stamp of approval which was not needed but appreciated. 

Hope everyone has a good week! Wow, it feels good to write in this thing again. Simple is always best.

love, misook

Yesterday my roomate had to go to the hospital.  She had these really bad stomach pains and such.  I was really scared when the doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with her.  I stood next to her and began thinking that we complain so much about the stupid little things in our life.  The things that don't matter at all are our biggest worries, have been my biggest worries.  I'm pretty sure my friend is okay. It feels so wonderful to care for someone that isn't a bc.  That has always been a hard step for me.  To find friends that are just as noble, just as wonderful, and just as faithful as my bc friends.  A person is a person.

I know this is a random note but lately i've had a lot on my mind. School has been extremely difficult but i feel it's all worth it if I can learn things i've never learned before about myself and so far I have. 

My xanga has been quite lonley, but being a college student has kept me pretty busy, and so has someone else. i want to say sorry to my xanga for neglecting you. anyways recent update about me. I am quitting walgreens. after freakin 4 years working there i have sprayed my last perfume bottle and decide to throw down my black vest with the one gold button and call it quits. reasons- im moving on to a better job where i am not treated like crap by my boss.

interesting thing today. i decided to skip my first two classes since they're not so bad, but i went to my bio class which was at 330. while im at the train station, i'm trying to buy a stupid metro card so i wait on line, infront of me theres this women who asks me for to buy a ticket. i figured that she isn't from around here so i helped her out.  she was genuinely sincere and kind.  she couldn't have been from around here. most people that wait at these train stations are cold and afraid to get personal.  she started making small talk with me asking me about if i was a student and things like that. she then asked me what i wanted to do as a career. i told her art therapy. she said "you look like it" she said that my aura (however you spell that) seems like it.  and she also said that I have been decieved one to many times. after that little conversation she told me that shes a psychic reader. and i have to admit that that turned me off a little bit. but she asked if i wanted a reading done and i thought about it.

so i get on the train and i honestly dont like to sit with a lot of people around me, so i kinda made my way across the train but where i was sitting smelled like urine so i moved and i saw the lady and just decided to sit near her.i dont know what made me move there rather than the smell but i felt like god or somebody led me to her or vice versa. anyway i started asking her questions about her chosen "profession" but all the same feeling like she is not a hoax or anything. she even asked me "how long have you been with the guy?" i told her a lot about matt. any way my point in telling this story i was extremely happy to have a random experience like that. it made the everday commute to school more exciting and i have a feeling that i will do that psychic reading by her. Life is meant to be adventurous and i don't think that i have been living it up as i ought to.  Just trying to survive from fear that people will not agree with my values or morals is a stupid thing. whoever said that you have to be so afraid to be yourself. i think meeting her today really helped me in some way. any way i hope this inspires any college kid who is sick of the monotony.  a random stranger telling me that I'm the next big thing since sliced bread.

another interesting thought, college applications i find them completely fake in some ways, selling yourself and such and i'm having a very hard time accepting it and finding motivation to write these dumb essays except for the fact that i really want to live closer to matt next year and after seeing and hanging out with his crew i can't bear to seperate him from that place that I see him so happy in. i feel like DE is my home too and I would rather live there than in ny.any ways enjoy the pics, i just felt like writing that was good.

<3 misook